Friday, January 11, 2008
I feel so disheartened. Somehow I feel like crying right now.
I went for my first Band prac at TJ today.
Maybe I'm not so keen on joining band there after all.
I was so confused by everything and the disorder of the whole place. And everyone there is so good I felt like digging a hole in the ground and putting my head in it. I was so overwhelmed I felt my head spin and almost wanted to cry because I could hardly play nothing. I knew nobody there and I felt so inferior. I guess the people there tried to be friendly, but I have no idea how I'm going to survive any band at all the way I am compared to these people. You know what, maybe mr ong was right. I probably am the stupidest one there. Who am I kidding? I was the stupidest one there.
Right then, I started to miss cedar so much. It was all so alien to me that I just wanted to run somewhere, anywhere that was familiar. I'm crying. Now. That's how much I miss cedar. I miss everyone there. I miss Band. I miss everyone there. I miss the 'normalness' I've become used to at cedar.
All the pep talk I was giving myself about attempting band this year was all for naught. I knew it was going to be difficult. I knew that I was going to have to work hard. But somehow, it was such a culture shock for me. i became so afraid. I didn't want to go back to all that.
funny how it took more than a week for this to kick in. I guess I can survive. I have a nice class and a nice cohort of TA1's. I should survive. But, being at band today made a dull ache become splitting pain. I'm not up for this. I can't survive this. I shouldn't have done this.
Who am I kidding? No one except myself.
What on earth have I done?