Friday, January 2, 2009
Keep Holding On - Avril Lavigne
Oh God, it's like 2009. And I cannot believe it. I knew time would pass by fast, but when it does, the feeling is still just as overwhelming. For the first time this year, I am up late. (: Hopefully I can reproduce this into a habit this coming year. Oh God. I CANNOT believe that this year I will be waking up everyday to see THAT same man for Math. I absolutely abhor him and I'm pretty much sure the feeling is mutual.
So reflections of 2008? The year pretty much sucked. A lot. I have no idea how I ended up like this at the end (Actually, I probably do) but the past year, I have screwed up so much that when I think of it I think I want to barf on myself.(Really) Don't get me wrong, sure, a lot of great stuff has happened the past year but I'm reflecting and weighing now. And I've realised that more bad things have happened than good things. (Bad stuff caused by me mainly, good stuff from other people) Which is not very good. No.
Actually, you know what? I realise I've come to hate beginnings as much as endings. As much as I adore the wonder of possibility, I have also come to fear the eventuality of failure. But the occasional surprise of successes are nice too. (:
I think I can no longer keep being the constantly positive and absolutely grateful person I always seem to be striving to be. (Okay, maybe I'll keep to some of that) And no more of that go-with-the-flow shit. I need to start being realistic and some of that constructive self-criticism. I need to elbow my way against the flow. Oh God, I need to start working harder. Like bloodshot eyes, heavier eye bags harder (And possibly rougher hands. Hey, calloused hands are sexy!)
I was at Sheng Siong the other day when I heard on the radio that MOE was looking for more Music, Art and Home Ec teachers and I realised right then as I was paying for the cabbage that I probably would have (likely) wanted to become a Home Ec teacher after O levels had I not come to TA. So I guess coming here was (and is) forcing me to do more than settle. I'm so scared of not settling. Aiming higher makes falling so much harder. And so much more painful.
I realise suddenly I miss Lavaneiya, Athirah and Amira. I miss going home together almost everyday. I miss feeling so strong (read: happy). I miss feeling like I could do anything. I miss the feeling when I wasn't afraid to be no one but myself, whoever I was that day. I miss the time when I wanted to be the greatest saxophonist in the world. I miss the time when I wanted to be a photographer. I miss the time when I wanted to be singer. I miss the time when I wanted to a writer. (HAHA. Dream on, loser) Being realistic fucking hurts. Broken dreams hurt more.
So maybe I'm not too into having resolutions when I know that that's all they'll be. But every good thing has its blueprints.
I resolve to attempt to finish what I start.
I resolve to be kinder.
I resolve to try to understand.
I resolve to not let said loathed man affect me. ( Or let other horrible people affect me either, for that matter)
I resolve to make it through.
I resolve to pray more.
I think I have not been praying enough, maybe that's why I feel so miserable.
I resolve to discover something great because although good things have blueprints, great things have no plans and just happen. I hope to catch one great thing this year.
I know I'm going to break my own heart one day.
When all is said and done, I know there are those people who have made 2008 more than bearable. I just want to let you know that I really love you a lot. As long as you're here reading this and do not have bad intentions reading my ramblings, then know that I love you. Really really. Even if I don't talk to you all that much (or I talk to you too much, for that matter). Also, it wouldn't hurt if you said you loved me back. Unless of course you don't, which I completely understand. I'm such an annoying little twit that can't do anything right, aren't I? (This time, I mean this sentence in complete earnest. HAHA) Also, it's okay if you don't understand this twisted rambling of darkness and humour(I hope). But whatever, it's my bloody blog and I don't care. Not anymore.
Cos there's no other way when it comes to the truth.